Chapter 12

So I finished all of the Arcade Hustla video interviews (fighting game community interviews), real insightful stuff. One interview of Duke Dodson really changed my thoughts about fighting games and life in general (yeah, it’s that’s serious). He spoke a lot of truths about not mind fucking yourself before you play against high level players, treating everyone the same, and staying honest (i.e. “No one is better than anyone until the match is over). He also stresses the importance in having confidence in yourself. Confidence is something that I really struggle with. My self-loathing mental state is like poison. Real talk, I wake up in the morning hating myself sometimes. That’s not a good look, but it is what it is. What’s the point though? Self-loathing never makes me feel any better and I end up retreating into safe zones that aren’t exactly productive for me. All of this self-loathing steams from not wanting to disappoint people and constantly doing so. I’m trying to be something I simply can not be. All I can really do is try my best, show remorse when remorse is due, and keep it moving. That’s it…

Duke Dodson reminds me a lot of this one cat I used to know, Ice (yes, that’s his real name). Ice was just like his name implies, chill as fuck. I met him one night outside of some long since torn down dorms with C. Shirley. I remember wanting to exude his type of confidence. It wasn’t that he didn’t give a fuck about anything, but he just seemed to have everything under control. He wasn’t an over achiever by any means, but he just did what he wanted to do (without being selfish). I think he took a play out of the Beetles playbook. You know, “Let It Be”. Ice had reached “Let It Be” nirvana. A walking, talking, living Buddha, you see? Duke Dodson is the successor to that type of personality (from all the information I could gather in less than 10min). I want to be in the same club.

On the outside I seem like a pretty chill guy, but I worry too much about things I should not be worried about. What will people think if I do XYZ, Am I a good boyfriend?, Am I good friend?, Do they think I suck at Street Fighter?, How will people treat me in Japan?, Will my language skills increase while over there?, Questionsquestionsquestions! Questions that don’t even matter. My actions, simply are my actions. I am who I am and I need to let the rest just chalk its self up to that. I’m trying to answer questions I can’t possibly answer at this point in time or haven’t accepted. Maybe I should spend less time questioning life and more time living it.

So, fuck the mind games. I want to be Greg Johnson again and I want to be accepted as such. If being myself isn’t enough then that’s G.A.M.E.O.V.E.R. b/c I can’t be anything more.

Real Talk.

Chapter 11

It’s my seventh year in grade school and a close friend by the name of _________ informs me that I lack basic empathy when I don’t show consideration to some plight he must have been experiencing at the time. I accept the fact, not really understanding what the word “empathy” even means (I just knew it was something like sympathy).

It’s an early memory. I can’t recall the exact time because I’ve since blocked the scene out of my mind’s eye. I do recall however that it was downstairs in what is now referred to as “my father’s basement”. My mother and father tell me that they are getting a divorce and they asked, “Do you understand what divorce means?” I guess the better question should have been, “Do you understand why?” Feeling that it was not my place to question adults I dismissed the reality of the situation and returned to what brought me the most comfort at the time, video games.

A late night conversation introduces me to the fact that I am a selfish person, a trait that most people who lack empathy share with one another.

It’s second semester of my sophomore year of college and I’m sitting in ________ office (my school boy teacher crush) arranging what classes I should take next semester. I’ve recently changed my major to Psychology because I want to help people sort out their lives/problems, but I secretly think I want to understand and validate my own. I sneak glances at _______ while we fill out paper work, confident that I am making the right decision.

The years pass from the incident in my father’s basement and I completely shut off what it means to care about other people and situations (I’m currently fighting against this with much difficulty).

It’s 3:17am and I’m writing a blog to uncode some of my inner thoughts. I think back on key moments of my life to piece together some type of arrow that will lead me to the answer I’m looking for. Unfortunately for me the answer is more clear now that it has ever been. Being in a relationship with a completely honest person allows you to see yourself as you truly are (a perfect mirror). I am a selfish individual who lacks basic empathy skills and one of the reason I even wrote this blog is so that people know that I have problems, which: A) Is selfish and B) Goes without saying…everyone has problems. I figure that if someone knew my story then they would sympathize with me and tell me I wasn’t a bad person, but this is far from the truth.

I feel that the life I’ve constructed for myself up to this point has been a subconscious effort to blind me from the truth. Only now do I realize…

Chapter 10

Things I want to accomplish before I arrive in Japan:
1) Buy several books:

• The Loss of Leon Meed
• A Canticle for Leibowitz
• Invisible Man
• Understanding Japanese Society
• A Life in the Black Panther Party
• Hegemony or Survival: America’s Quest for Global Dominance
• Lies My Teacher Told Me
• (This one book that I can’t remember the name of)

2) Donate most of my clothes to GoodWill.
3) Finish as many books as I can (currently reading “Social Intelligence. Half way done)
4) Spend quality time with friends and family.
5) Find Rattigan a good home (Phillip looks promising)
6) Buy luggage.
7) Eat really unhealthy junkie American fast food.
9) Buy a Shipwreck A.D, Have Heart, or Cold World hoodie (maybe 2 out of 3).

I tried to think of more, but I guess that’s it. I’m traveling light, just bringing the essentials (you know, PS2, SF4 Fight Stick, Beatmania Controller, and a toothbrush).

Kind of sleepy, going to read more, Japanese study session at 4:00p. Be easy…

P.S. I did 9) because when you do you…well see what I mean!

The summer continues as usual.

Read an article in an old “Psychology Today” about happiness.

They say most people don’t know what makes them truly happy. So sit down and concretely think about “what makes you happy” and begin.

A close friend’s father died yesterday (on Father’s Day). Surrounded by friends, family, and unseen support. What a fitting way to leave the Earth.

I’ve downloaded more music than I know what to do with. “Too much of anything is never enough.” (c) Courage Wolf

I’ve stopped being anxious about Japan. I figure it’ll be here in no time and I should truly enjoy my time stateside.

Sometimes I run out of cheeks to turn. Some people truly don’t see the inconvience they cause. Some grow up, others stay children forever.

Being honest with myself is what makes me most happy (that and studying Japanese).

I had this thought the other day: If we as people would realize that many of our “walls”, “duties”, and “responsibilities”  in our lives are self imposed then we would be free to do whats in our true nature. But far more than not we tell ours we “can’t” and “shouldn’t” do certain things based on feigned convictions. I’m trying to discover what I truly care about.

I’m starting to learn some friends will always be around, others may be away, but never truly gone and some may be right down the street and might as well not exist.

Working on the blog: www.nagoyaga.squarespace.com (check it out sometime).

(Banksy in Palestine)

Chapter 8

“The human race is the most stupid and unfair kind of race. A lot of runners don’t even get decent sneakers or clean drinking water.

Some runners are born with a massive head start, every possible help along the way and still the referees seem to be on their side.

It’s not surprising a lot of people have given up competing altogether and gone to sit in the grandstand, eat junk and shout abuse.

What the human race needs is a lot more streakers.” - Banksy

When I thought about today’s blog post this quote from artist Banksy came to mind. Lately I’ve been observing three people (2 will remain unnamed and the third is me). These three people have one thing in common, “a history of escapism” through the internet. Since I can only factually speak about myself in comparison to others any observation of the other two parties remain just that, observation.

The rat race of life is hard, but as the world turns life continues to offer means of escape. In my opinion the biggest contributor to escapism is the internet. On the internet you can become anyone you imagine yourself to be. If one becomes too consumed with their digital manifestation, then eventually the lines between fantasy and reality begin to blur. I’ve seen individuals who never had the best of luck with females in real life, instantly become digital Casanovas on a variety of dating sites. I’ve seen individuals reach for any and every relationship that seemingly comes their way because the attention is nice. And I myself have spent copious amounts of time on forums and chat groups for my own means (i.e. ego stroking, convo, etc.) Usually when these individuals are confronted about their habits they:

1. Shut down, disconnect all contact with you on their various social sites, and pretend like nothing ever happened.
2. Simply lie about the time spent on the internet.
3. Make up an entirely new lie that is completely transparent.

I consider myself a candidate for #2 (I’m reforming my ways). The other two are my naturalistic observations of the other people. Individuals usually escape to another “reality” to fulfill a need they are lacking in their actual lives. This constant escape can become very addictive.

“It’s not surprising a lot of people have given up competing altogether and gone to sit in the grandstand, eat junk and shout abuse.”

There is only 24hrs in the day. Usually 8 of that is spent sleeping so the other 16 is yours to do whatever you want. Every time you decide to put hours into something that provides little to no points in your actual life, then you’re simply wasting your time. For myself, I’ve stop going to my typical forum groups because it truly was a waste of time. I was getting digital praise from individuals that didn’t even know me and I could be spending that time to do something REALLY needed to do (i.e. finishing up my paper for Nagoya Japan) or something I value more than faux praise (i.e. videogames, reading, etc.) It’s all about using your time wisely and putting time points into things of substance.

Unfortunately I don’t believe this cycle will stop until that hole is filled in the real world. For me I stopped looking for praise online and started praising myself and feeding my own mind to increase intellect. My escapist tendencies have downsized considerably and I actually feel better about myself (cause I’m living a more real life). For the other people, I don’t know if they’ll ever change. They are comfortable in their fictitious life and show no signs of slowing down. Hell, I’ve even noticed one individual continue escapist habits even when s/he got the very thing that should have filled that hole in their life.

“Habit, if not resisted become necessity.” - St. Augustine

Chapter 7

Ohio conclusion:
The Ohio trip was very subtle, but fun. We didn’t do much outside of eating, hanging out, watching movies, eating, and eating. That’s typically how family gatherings go so I’m not complaining. Riding in a car for 24+ hours (round trip) with an eight month old child wasn’t very fun though. I’m very understanding and I know babies cry (a lot), but my nerves were tested in the most severe fashion. The ride provided plenty of unique sights. I don’t think I’ve seen so many abandoned factories amongst wildlife. I thought it was pretty cool, but I’m weird like that (I’ve developed a recent factory fetish. I think because it reminds me of Metal Gear Solid).

Return to form:
So another week rolls by and it’s more of the same. Amanda and I got our official Nagoya University of Foreign Studies (NUFS) acceptance letter. In the acceptance packet was a scholarship for 60,000 Yen/month. Most (if not all) people get the scholarship so that really helps out with the 30,000 Yen/month rent I’ll be shelling out to stay at I-House. The rest will be food, tattoo fund, and play-play money. I wish I could stop being nervous about Japan. I keep harping on the negatives. Which doesn’t make complete rational sense because the probability for good/bad situations are equal. I think I’m just more excited to get out there and begin my new life’s journey. I’m ready for a change and I’m tired of being stuck in the same places with the same faces (rhyming!) Only 2 more months left (we leave August 31st).

And now:
We went to Savannah for Asian Fest yesterday. It wasn’t great, but I still enjoyed myself. The Japanese booth was absolutely abysmal. Imagine this, an entire Japanese booth with nothing but outdated anime warez, plastic swords, and cheap fans. I couldn’t believe my eyes, but in a way it makes sense. Most anime otaku in the states see Japan in a one dimensional light and with the surge of anime/manga it isn’t surprising that a booth who’s main objective is to make money would capitalize on that surge. Good news for the kid in the Akatsuki robe, bad news for me. The Taiko drums were amazing:

I don’t know what it is about the Taiko, but it makes my soul burn!! Other highlights include: Foreal-foreal monks, nunchaku wielding Kung-Fu masters, and anime nerds peppered into the crowd. The sushi and sashimi that Amanda and I ate after the fest was the icing on the cake for our Asian adventure day.

Amanda and I are suppose to see Star Trek in an hour, but with Amanda’s mom’s procrastination and her sister’s inability to communicate I don’t know if it’s actually going to go down. *shrugs* Who am I to say anything? I have copious amount of problems myself. I just really want to see Star Trek.

P.S. I really hate when people use big words incorrectly.

(Keeping with the 8-bit theme of last post I bring Virt’s “Across Rooftops”. I was introduced to Virt via Last.FM [get one] and I love everything I’ve heard so far. This video is of someone playing Audiosurf [a game everyone tells me I should check out] to Virt’s song. Enjoy)

Chapter 6

I hate confrontation. What I hate even more is the confrontation that I create in my head for certain social situations. I have no reason to think that a future social interaction with a person will result in negative feelings, but in my head I create scenarios where a blowout occurs and hurt feelings are exchanged. This knowledge really demoralizes me. I hate knowing the truth behind something, but not attuning my body to reality.

Example: Rent is due the first of next month. I am completely brokeski (I actually have negative in my savings account…don’t know). I need to call my father and ask him if he can once again give me another months rent (plus additional funds for our Ohio trip). I’ve neglected to call him for the past 2 days because of this imagined confrontation that I see us having. I have no reason to believe this. Every time I’ve asked my father for money he has obliged without resentment or ill-feelings, but in an effort to be more independent than I actually am I rather suffer broke than to constantly ask for money.

It’s completely irrational and I’m working on changing…

Example 2 (just occurred): Amanda graced me with a bento box from our favorite Japanese restaurant. As we ate and talked about Prop 8 being upheld and Social Intelligence. Our roommate Tim came out to fix himself something to eat. I’ve been nervous about talking to Tim about the overages in utilities ($9.45) that must be paid along side our rent. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, but Tim and g/f Autumn technically aren’t our “real” roommates. They simply just moved in after our old roommates moved out. So bringing up utility payments that you “technically” don’t have to pay was a daunting task for me. Another one of those imagined encounters. Well I did bring it up and guess what…he was completely cool with it. It feels good to get that off my chest, but I still need to call my father.

I’ve been reading a lot lately. I don’t know what happened, but ever since I finished “The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao” by Junot Diaz my reading fire has been reignited. I’m currently reading “Social Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman, “Ghost World” (graphic novel) by Daniel Clowes, “The Modern Gentleman” by Phineas Mollod & Jason Tesauro, and “Woe is I”  by Patricia O’Conner. I just really like reading again. I can feel my brain expanding as I learn new concepts and words. I’ve been making it a point to look up words that I don’t know when I read instead of skipping over them or using context clues (like I usually do). It’s been a really fun experience and now I can tell you what “zeitgeber” means. I’m a picky reader, but I’ve been on a winning streak as of late.

P.S. It’s funny to me that today is the 6th chapter in my summer vacation chronicles and it is also the 13th blog since I decided that my blogs were going to have substance (not just ranty McRant rants). Is this a bad omen? I did wake up in a bad mood today, but I’m slowly changing that…I still need to call my father.

(Whoa! Double video post!! I know I’m probably mega late, but this Virt guy is amazing. This video goes out to all my “Gear heads” Speaking of Metal Gear, isn’t there only a couple more hours until the Kojima doomsday clock runs out. I wonder what it’s going to be!!)

(This is Omodaka’s “Yosōya-san” I’ve been really feeling the Japanese electronica/chiptune/8-bit/experimental/whatever sound as of late. Great song is great! I really enjoy Enka.)

Chapter 5

It’s been hard for me to write as of late. In between Cougar Strike’s last show (which was a blast), trying to finalize my passport for Japan, finding time to go up to H.R. to process my work study stipend, being unemployed, being slightly depressed (more on that later), and trying to stay motivated amongst long summer days it’s just been a uphill battle of unepic proportions.

I want to talk a little bit about friends. Amanda told me once that I have a jaded view on friendship. Many people may not know this, but it’s almost too easy for me to drop friends. I just don’t get overly invested in friendship and in the end I’m left feeling slightly empty. Let me explain: I find that investing stock in friendship is just as unstable as the actual stock market. My main problem is that I can’t separate “bad” traits/deeds (i.e. Doing nothing with your life, having sex with random people when you were so totally against that sort of behavior, disrupting my living quarters, just being whack, etc.) from the actual person and good times we share. A lot of those things (with the exception of disrupting my living quarters) have nothing to do with me, but like NaS said, “Affiliation breeds similarity”. I just feel like I’m constantly being let down, but who am I? These cats aren’t trying to impress me or live up to my standards, but like I said “I can’t separate”. I don’t really know what I’m expecting from friendship. I guess I need to keep my numbers low and work on quality over quantity. Right?

Depression? Maybe that an exaggeration. It’s just my spirits haven’t been ignited in a long time. The only time I ever feel my soul burn is when, I’m playing Street Fighter 4, Realizing how much I love my girlfriend (sap), and when I read something inspirational (i.e. Lv. 10 Strength Social Rank on Persona 4). So in the mean time I usually floating through the ether of life waiting for the next thing to happen, like a slow moving montage. I remember I read in a Psychology Today article that men felt at their best when they had responsibilty (i.e. A.J.O.B.) I have a couple of responsibilities, but they’re all about to become accomplished and then what? We’ll see I guess, like I told Kenny this morning, “A nigga can only play videogames for so long.”

A few bullet points:

• Amanda and I watched Terminator 1-3 recently. We’re getting amp’d for Salvation this Thursday @ Midnight.
• Last.FM is amazing. I’ve heard so much new music/artist that I actually enjoy. Get one today!
• I love salad!

The Cougar Strike fam!

Chapter 4

Amanda and I are in Augusta tonight. We (Cougar Strike) have our last show tomorrow at Sector 7G and since John (our drummer) was nice enough (a.k.a. no one was in Statesboro at the time) to give us a ride to Augusta we would still being able to have the full line up. There was a catch, we would have to get there a day early. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem for most people, but I’ve had a couple not so pleasant experiences revolving shows, getting there early, and being bored to death playing the waiting game. So around 2:30p Amanda and I hopped into John’s Buick “Le Couch” and began our trek (under the assumption it was going to be a lackluster time).

We arrive at John’s house 1.5 hours later. The car ride was a pleasant one consisting of 4chan jokes, hardcore tunes, TOOL, some Sigur Ros, and videogame talk. John’s house is very Douglasvilly. Small, but not too small. It had the aura of “I’ve been here before” and it even had the childhood pictures and post college bedrooms to match. We hung around for awhile, kicked around the soccer ball, went to the tattoo shop so I could replace my lost jewelry, played Street Fighter 4 with his older brother (who was seriously on his shit when it came to videogames, especially fighting games)…

…oh, you know me and Street Fighter. That’s been my obsession as of late so I was very eager to try my skill out on a real life person I had never met before (still got the tournament jitters, even in casuals) He taught me a lot about Bison (Dictator) and inspired me to step my game up. I don’t know how serious he was, but I came out with more W’s than L’s so I guess I’m coming along pretty well (now back to our regular scheduled programing)

Ate Pizzahut Tuscani pasta, and talked about the good ol’ days of P2P services (i.e. Napster, Kazaa, LimeWire, etc.) I felt very at home.

John informed me earlier that we were going to be staying at his friend’s Drew and Tyler’s place. A little soon to be ex-bachelor pad (Tyler is getting married in 2-weeks). I met John’s crew and we chilled in the “Party Shack”, smoked a hookah and a couple of cigarettes (one of which was hand rolled), and went to IHOP. Tonight was very reminiscent of my crew back in Douglasville (especially the late night trip to IHOP). Although I wasn’t apart of their crew (I think they’ve all been friends since High School) they made me feel really apart of the group and talked to me rather than talking around me (which is what most niggas do when you’re a friend of a friend). My lackluster expectations have been shattered.

So Amanda and I are just chilling in their spare room (Amanda is playing Patapon). We get to wake up pretty late tomorrow and hang out all over again until practice (around 3p) and then the show (after 5p). This summer is has been full of little surprises here and there. I hope the next remaining months can bring good times such as these.

Side notes:
Watched the season finale of LOST last night with Amanda. One word: Butt-clincher.
Japanese cram school starts next Monday. I wonder how much Japanese Amanda and I can learn in 2.5 months of self study.
Still obsessed with GZA’s – “Liquid Swords” record. I don’t know what it is. but it’s the epitome of what I think early 90’s hip-hop is suppose to be.

Chapter 3

You know what’s a great feeling? Doing exactly what you say you’re going to do. Last night I started plotting my day in my head: wake up, clean (hardcore), venture to the social security office, and follow up with my online Books-A-Million application. All of these task were accomplished and all before 4pm. I don’t know what significance 4pm has, but I know some cats that don’t leave their rooms or even begin their day before 6p (yeah nigga, I’m talking about you!)

The social security office was pretty yokle. Mullets, rebel flag tattoos, hand me down-hand me downs, and bad teeth. Nothing is inherently wrong with any of those things, but they’re kind of comical in passing thought. The S.S. process was pretty simple, almost too simple. If I knew it was going to be this simple, I would have lost my S.S. card a lot earlier (a.k.a. go up to the office sooner). Josh plays Monster Hunter on PSP and we talk Street Fighter theory.

Books-A-Million was a shot in the dark. I finished the online application last week and then went into the store to talk to a manager. Apparently they didn’t want to talk to any potential applicants and instructed workers to take down their information and keep it moving. That’s gravy though, I jumped through the hoops, said my piece and that was it. I have a slight advantage though. I know girl that works at the front desk (she used to be my R.A.). Hopefully she’ll come through and “hook a brotha up”, but we know how that goes. Everyone wants to get “hooked up”.

Now I’m home listening to GZA (of course right?) and contemplating what game I want to play. I should go online and practice some Street Fighter and then tackle some Persona 4 or Valkyria Chronicles (I started it last night). This is the summer of gaming so I better knock out something pretty soon. I think after this RPG shit I’m going to plow through some action adventure titles (i.e. God of War, Zone of Enders, Devil May Cry, etc.)

I want a 6 pack of beer. I think I’ll make that happen later tonight.